The Controlling & Mistrustful Spouse

From Richard P. Fitzgibbons

Men and women experience great happiness and joy when they find someone to whom they can entrust themselves. This happiness can last in some couples for a lifetime. However, most couples experience conflicts which can temporarily weaken their safe feeling or ability to trust. When trust diminishes, emotional walls unconsciously go up which then limit giving and receiving love. Subsequently, spouses feel less happy and may experience loneliness and irritability toward their spouse. This type of stress also can lead to transitory tendencies to control or to withdraw. Fortunately, damage to trust can be resolved if promptly addressed through a process of understanding, forgiving, seeing the good in one's spouse, and re-committing to trust and to love again.

In contrast to these transitory stresses on marital trust are the serious difficulties which arise when a spouse manifests ongoing controlling and disrespectful behaviors. Unfortunately, not a small number of spouses today bring into their marriages strong selfishness, deep unconscious trust wounds from hurts with a parent or the serious weakness of modeling after a controlling parent which lead them to act in a controlling manner.

The tendency to control a spouse can emerge slowly in response to hurts or character weaknesses or it can be present at the very beginning of a marriage. This serious personality conflict creates a great deal of tension and unhappiness in a married life. The Catechism of the Catholic Church, n. 1606, speaks to this challenge, "Their (marital) union has always been threatened by discord, a spirit of domination, infidelity, jealousy, and conflicts that can scale into hatred and separation."

The ability to trust, that is. to feel safe and secure with one's spouse, is the foundation for giving love as well as for receiving love. Without a strong foundation in trust or without attending to and maintaining trust, a rift can develop in marriages and families. Therefore, trust needs be protected and strengthened at every stage of married life.

Let's look at weaknesses in trusting, which are often unconscious, which are a major cause for controlling behaviors. However, in our clinical experience the most common cause is selfishness. The more a spouse gives into selfishness, the greater the drive to have everything go one's own way and the greater the lack of respect shown to one's spouse.

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What Women Want...

From Don Alexander


What does every woman want? I normally write about a wide-variety of subjects, but tonight this one is really on my heart. Here's what I think every woman wants.

A woman wants a man to listen to her. I mean REALLY listen. Not look around and watch T.V., but listen. She also wants someone she can talk to without him flying off at the handle over every little thing. She wants someone who is patient, firm, and fair with the children, but not abusive or loud.

Every woman wants to be appreciated, respected, and just simply feel that she is something "special." She wants to be accepted for who she is and she doesn't want you to try and change her all the time.

Every woman wants a spiritual leader. This one we men need to work on big time. A woman wants you to take the family to church, to take charge when it comes to prayer, Bible reading, and spiritual matters. A woman wants you to sing, as the scripture says, to continuously encourage one another with psalms,hymns, spiritual songs, and constant awareness of Christ and his presence as Head of the Household.

Every woman wants positive words. I've noticed that my wife brightens up the moment I release a word like: "You sure look pretty today, or wow, you are something special, you look like the queen of England" just to name a few precious statements.

Every woman wants you to stay away from negativity. Give her love, love, love, all day long. Every woman wants you to eat your negative words and release the positive ones. Every woman wants you to treat her as you would want to be treated. Those men out there who are bossing their wives and being too macho, take notice, you are only pushing her further away, not closer to you.

I heard a story recently from a friend who told me about this guy Tony who started making more money and went to the top of his company, only to spend less and less time with his family-true story. Someone here locally with a brand new wonderful home in Rancho Cucamonga, CA near the Victoria Gardens mall. The wife told him "You better start spending more time with me, or else."

Long story short, the man came home one night only to find everything gone. I mean everything. Furniture, phone, you name it. He never saw his kids again and was left with nothing. He forgot to do what every woman wants: pay attention to warning signs.

Let's face it, as my pastor says, we are all "replaceable." None of us are all that and a bag of chips! We must guard our mouths. One of my prayers each day is: "Lord put a guard over my mouth and watch over the door of my lips." It is so important to watch our mouths with our beloved wife.

I believe that every woman wants a man who has vision. A man who will go forward to accomplish goals and dreams. Scripture says "without a vision, the people perish." Forgive me for not citing actual chapter and verse, but the words of our Lord are everlasting nonetheless! There are too many men out there who are satisfied with status quo, when God has promised us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us!

Every woman wants you to give your all. It's not enough for you to just do "whatever." Women want a visionary who will help the family achieve their every dream and goal. Some women seem to be satisfied with a man who works and brings home a paycheck, and is good to the family. That's fine too.

Every woman wants a working man. If you are self-employed, you must be making over $2500 a month or your just playing. If you are in a home business, that same number applies, again, or your just playing.

Men must work. No doubt about it. Every woman wants a working man. If your not working, no woman wants you. They may say they do, but deep down, they don't.

In conclusion though, every woman wants a MAN. This is someone who will love her, die for her, be playful, curious, and funny with her, make sure that she is taken care of, not speak negatively toward her ever, protect her, do everything that she likes, watch over her, keep her, be best friends with her, make date nights a priority, love the children, but not more than her, love Christ with all his heart, and not just be a Sunday Christian.

She also wants stability. Every woman wants stability financially, spiritually, and socially. She wants someone with dollars and sense, someone who will have knowledge in financial matters, not just pretend. Every woman wants someone who is stable. Don't expect to get an awesome wife if your not stable. Don't expect to get a decent woman if your not stable.

Stable means a lot of things, but every woman wants a MAN who has a good temper, a deep pocketbook and heart, a good name and reputation (single women take note of this list please), not someone who stirs up rumors or talks about people, someone who is kind, a man who is family orientated, a passionate man, a loving man, a man who is on fire for the Lord, not just on Sunday only, a man who would die for her.

Most of all though, every woman wants you to love her and place that love above everything else except God. Also, every woman wants a man who will continue to WORK at the relationship and not quit. By not quitting and working, you are telling her that you love her. Every woman also wants you to keep your word. That means fulfill your vows and do what you say you are going to do. And be there for her days of plenty and days of lack. That's what every woman truly wants.



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/682517

Signs Your Spouse is an Emotional Bully

From Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, psychopathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazymaking behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be ok for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.